1. Tonight I get my honorary membership to the Tourette's Society. Can't wait til they swear me in.
  2. I finally forgot my friend is a vegan, because she didn't remind me in the last 2 minutes.
  3. I drink so much Canadian whiskey, I need to attend EH EH meetings.
  4. I can't start my diet right now, I have too much on my plate.
  5. Every time my daughter doesn’t want to eat her deep fried vegetables, she throws a Tempura Tantrum.
  6. Even my joke about unemployment isn’t working.
  7. As the proud father of a 6-year-old, I disagree with the old adage, "There are no stupid questions."
  8. 8 out of 10 Americans are morbidly obese. There's no room for the other 2.
  9. To euthanize my cat, I bought a how-to book. The problem is, I just can’t put it down.
  10. Oscar Pistorius testified that he wished he was also unARMED.

By Paul Slater
Comedy Well Done Lists

Filter:   Sort: