After Jay Leno’s cat, Whiskers, read a human interest story that detailed a relationship between an Orlando homeless man and his dog, he came to the realization: “I’m no better off than a vagrant’s mutt.”

The USA Today article documented Floridian Vince Johnson’s slow decline, which began when he was let go as “Tommy the Tasty Cheese Weiner,” a position that kept him beneath a six foot bun, mustard squirt and velcro cheese slice at Disney’s Epcot Center since 1981. Wandering the streets jobless, he crossed paths with a starving puppy outside a Gloria Estefan concert and they became inseparable. The two eat, walk and even defecate in public together.

The piece revealed that the duo only scavenge food from 5-star resorts, prompting the feline's comment: “That bastard eats better than I do.  I only get dry food. I never even get a taste of the countless hot dogs he flies in from Chicago."

The cat claims he only gets tummy rubs if he laughs at Leno's material.  He accused the big-chinned comic of always leaving him alone, to which Jay responded, “Gigs are my bread and butter.” The disgruntled calico fired back, “How much bread and butter does one man need?"

Whiskers released the following statement: "I have proof that Jay was responsible for the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 370.”  Authorities are investigating.

By Len Austrevich & Jeremy Caplan
The Bad News - Entertainment Desk

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