THEBADNEWS

Maximillion Link of Providence, RI passed away this Saturday from an assortment of “The 5 Deadliest Maladies You Can Get.” Link was widely known as the “third-greatest list compiler of all time,” behind only Moses and Schindler.  This trend setter gained notoriety in the ‘50s, bursting on the newspaper scene with his compilation of “The 8 Best Witch Hazels Used By Country Doctors.”  For years he worked as a reporter and consultant to the advertising industry, ranking everything from “The 12 Most Powerful Locomotives” to “7 Moustache Waxes Favored By Silent Film Stars.”

His life was not without scandal: his integrity was questioned when appearing before the Warren Commission in 1972. He testified that one of “The Top 5 Possible Conspirators of the JFK Assassination” included not only Woody Harrelson’s father, but Tonight Show bandleader and horn player Doc Severinsen.  Before this date, his reputation for accurate data was never questioned. The expert witness was vindicated after producing a hotel receipt dated November 22, 1963 signed by Mr. Severinsen from a Howard Johnson’s Motor Lodge located only blocks away from Dealey Plaza, site of the nation’s tragic occurrence.

His lifelong personal assistant, Maurice Weatherspoon, confirmed that Maximillion continued to compile lists until the day he died, when he shared with readers a final compilation - “10 Great Life Hacks for Emptying Bedpans, Urinals and Colostomy Bags.”

He will forever be known as number 67 on the AP News Wire’s list of “100 Most Influential Journalists of the Last Century.” Services are pending until the grieving family selects which one of The Huffington Post’s “5 Best Funeral Parlors in New England,” would be appropriate for services.

By Len Austrevich
The Bad News - Obituaries Desk

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