Astronomers, meteorologists, theologians, the International Association of Jiffy Lube Mechanics, and Dr. Oz confirmed today that on July 4, 2014, at 10:56PM, US Central Time, (GMT - 05:00), for a record 16 minutes, no one in the continental United States posted a single List on the internet.

Scientists are perplexed by the phenomena, citing that no articles originating from North America (excluding Canada) were posted on the internet during the 16-minute window - and that includes Buzzfeed. No posting activity at all. No “The 5 Best Restaurants with the Longest Lines.” No “7 Secret Hideaways of Big Bang Theory Cast Members.” No “4 Of The Oddest Pet Dances Performed By Chihuahuas.” Nothing.

Lists are read by 100% of all US citizens and are compiled by 99.99% of those same Americans. There is only a small number of Americans who do not compile lists and they reside in Hawaii and Alaska - most notably, Emma Wagner of Anchorage. Although she does not create lists, she does enjoy them while drinking Maxwell House Coffee and sugar-free Snickerdoodles.

In an interview confirming these facts, she stated, “Reading lists is my favorite thing to do,” in turn removing her from the list of those who do not compile Lists.

By Len Austrevich
The Bad News - Internet Desk

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